And that's if you're lucky.
The YP has had a pretty good week. Last week was a bit dodgy, slightly below average in terms of school work, and then this week he took off like a rocket. His school work has been going well, he's been getting all check-plusses on the various assignments and tasks laid out before him. (Write in your journal. Do your vocab homework. Read a book. Walk in the halls.) He's not getting in trouble at the afterschool day care anymore; apparently he has worked out his issues with Wyatt Who Is My Bully. (I believe this is the child's official name, in the YP's mind.) Now that we can spend some time outside, he's not nearly as torqued up as he has been for the past couple of months, and we are all in a state of relative relaxation.
And yet ... and yet. Yesterday we had another evaluation with various school official types.
It is hard for me to remember these are assessments and not Wow, man, your kid is well fucked up; get him lined up for that career in menial labor, RFN, aaaariiiight?
So even though it's been a very good week, the arc shows that the YP is "meeting expectations" on stuff the teacher marked down last meeting (finishing his work, walking in the halls.) He hasn't shown miraculous turnaround to being exceptional, but he's no longer totally screwing it up, either. So, that's good. And now we've moved on to a new set of issues (personal space, sitting still, finish his work faster instead of right at the second he needs to stop.)
The occupational therapist said she took a look at him and basically said it ain't his body that's causing the problem, it's his brain.
After a few minutes of talking, a lot of this stuff started to sound like it was different chunks of the same problem. He is distracted and disorganized, and I'd say those are part of the same issue -- inability to keep his brain on the job at hand. Then he's got these social things where he's very hands-on with other kids and bosses them around and gets upset if they try to make him step off. I sort of think those are quasi-related to a Paying Attention thing too, like, he's so busy thinking about what's supposed to be happening and wandering through his internal landscape and monologue that he doesn't notice he's pissing off everyone around him, you know? And he's spent his whole life being told "Shut up, do it right, do it now, and don't argue with how we told you to do it," so that when someone else doesn't shut up and do it right, he goes all righteously indignant and gets in their face and can't understand why they won't just do it right -- without ever noticing or processing or recognizing or whatever that he ain't their dad and it ain't his job to make them do it. Seems to me that all of this boils down to us figuring out how to train him to keep his mind on what is in front of him and needs dealing with Right That Second instead of Oooh Something Shiny! He's still completely distracted and will still spend 20 minutes on something at school that he finishes in 2 at home.
So there we are with the assistant principal, the district psychologist, the teacher and the district occupational therapist, and I asked them if this was a developmental thing, if he'd benefit by staying back a year -- if he's demonstrating kindergarten-like social skills, perhaps he is just a year behind in ability to figure out social cues??
(Note: This differs from what I'd really like to ask -- that they put him in with older kids who will take less crap and push him around a little more and force him to work harder just to be caught up. I already know this is a non-starter, so no point going there.)
It was interesting. When I said "developmental" the psychologist started to nod, and the teacher was all "NO, IT AIN'T THAT, HE'S PLENTY SMART AND DOING FINE ACADEMICALLY NO NO NO HE SHOULD NOT REPEAT FIRST GRADE."
Then after the meeting, the school psychologist pulled us into another room and said the word "developmental" has different connotations for teachers and evaluators, and that yes, academically and motor-skills wise and intellectually, yes, the kid should move to the next grade. Behaviorally, she thinks there might be developmental issues and said based strictly on the anecdotal picture she's getting, she thinks he might have a touch of Aspergers and that he could very well be on the "autism spectrum." She gave us names of doctors and of some kind of social interaction therapy/training group thing.
Last night, when we picked the kid up after school, she'd given him an envelope with a big sheaf of papers -- with relevant sections helpfully highlighted! -- and a note about how she is happy with his academic progress and that she remains "optimistically cautious with regards to his social development." Um? Optimistically cautious??
So, yeah. I don't know. Like I said, I need to keep remembering this isn't the end of the world. He's not setting fires or killing small animals or punching kids in the head or stealing. He's just ... oblivious. And heedless. Is it because he has mental probs? Or is it because he's a 7-year-old boy and an only child who is accustomed to being the center of his universe and thus operates better in smaller settings?
How do you teach a kid to foooocusss? How do you teach a kid concentration? If there's a group out there that has some kind of drug or insight or practical application on how to tackle that, well, goddamn, sign me up. I don't care if it's pills or social modeling or rubbing a lucky penny or role playing or what the hell ever. I understand that if Prozac had been around when Van Gogh was, we'd be out all those groovy paintings. But frankly, if I were Van Gogh's mom, I'd be totally fine with that tradeoff.
As is usually the case for the whole day after these conferences, I was horribly depressed and sought refuge in conference with friends and family, who kindly and graciously reminded me of the things I need to remember and made it all seem slightly less horrifying. As is usually the case the morning after such conferences, I woke up ready to tell them all to suck it and more determined than ever to help this kid in whatever way it takes to kick him up past normal to exceptional.
Even if he is just the world's most exceptional liar. The stories will be fantastic. Last night, he laid this one on us, as we were discussing who would be at an event we are attending this weekend:
"Oh, and my imaginary friend will be there."
"You have an imaginary friend? What's his name?"
"I don't know. He won't tell me. I call him X."
"Wait, what? Your imaginary friend won't tell you his name?"
(In this split second, my brain zzzzings into overdrive: Oh, Jesus god. Seriously? Is 7 too old for imaginary friends? Even if it isn't, what kind of fucked up kid has intimacy issues with an imaginary friend? Maybe those people are right and he DOES need therapy. This is wrong, wrong wrong oh god...)
"No, he just hasn't told me YET. He's an ex-spy, which is why I call him X, and knowing his name might put me in danger, but he will tell me when it's safe for me to know. After I help him with the bad guys. I am close to learning his spy serial number though."
Well... that's ... a relief?
The YP is a little kid, who is going to have some different social development because his parents are highly intelligent and have treated him as though he, also, were highly intelligent (because he is). He is not someone who has been spoon fed or coddled, so his socialization is different. He is an only, so he doesn't know how to argue or play like a sibling'ed child. He knows how to reason and negotiate with adults who have taught him to reason and negotiate along their styles. Of course that seems very different from the other crayon munchers.
This will all even out. I would bet you that by age 9, he's going to hit his stride. First and second grade might be rough, but around the end of second, beginning of third, when the other kids catch up to HIS social development, he'll be fine.
And I maintain that this is a Talented and Gifted child. Their brains work differently. Social skills aren't always high on their priority list. As long as he's doing what he is supposed to do as far as his classwork goes, don't sweat it.
He's a good, smart kid, who has already had more of an education than some of his classmates will ever explore. Cut yourself some slack and remember that his school doesn't understand that you and NYAB have been teaching this about things that matter for ages. Sheesh. School is probably a snore compared to what he learns from you guys.
Posted by: lane | March 11, 2010 at 11:36 PM