A Death in the Family

Four pounds heavier and one funeral later, we're home again.

For those of you who don't follow FaceBook or Twitter or Flitter or whatever other means of communication I've been plugged into for the past week,  we got a call on Friday night that NYAB's dad was on life support and not expected to last the night.  After conferring with all the kids,  his mom decided to turn everything off.  He went about 15 minutes after that.

It didn't sound like a bad way to go, all in all -- Thursday night he was sickly, Friday morning he was at the hospital, Friday afternoon he was on life support, Friday night he was gone. I've often thought if one has to call it a day, why draw it out?  As near as they could tell, he had an embolism, but I'm not sure if it was really that or if he just finally succumbed to what he always referred to as Old Age Disease.

He was 87, but it was unexpected, nonetheless -- not least of all because he had pretty much just been chugging along while NYAB's mom has been jumping through hoop after hoop to get some surgery she needs done on her stomach, but before they can do that she needs a stent put into an artery and to get her ticker up to max capacity, lalala.  She was supposed to have that surgery in January and now it's looking like she'll get it in April.  So when NYAB's niece called on Friday I was totally expecting to hear "grandma," not "grandpa" and had to recalibrate quickly.

Fortunately, NYAB's younger brother only had an hour's drive from Indianapolis, so he got there before we could and was there for the really hard part.

So NYAB came home from work and pretty much as soon as he got here we all piled in the car and then NYAB drove straight through to Indiana, took a 2-hour nap and wandered off to the funeral home to help with arrangements -- which took all of about 45 minutes.  That afternoon, NYAB's older brother flew in and all the family was there except NYAB's sister, who's in Kuwait but trying to get early leave so she can be home for the surgery.

I think death -- and dealing with death -- is always sort of weird and awkward and pretty much nobody I've ever met knows quite what to say or how to act, or what you're supposed to do.  And I hadn't been to a funeral for anyone close to me in at least 30 years. My dad's mom died in 1998, but I hadn't seen her for literally 20 years previous and it didn't mean much to me except I wanted to be there for my dad -- who also hadn't seen her in that space of time and also seemed a bit at a loss as to what was expected.

So I went in knowing how my family reacts to such things, but also knowing we're not exactly the norm ... and for the most part, death generally has come to our kin as a blessing more than a shock.

Apparently I either married into the right family or we are more normal than I thought, because everyone acted pretty much about the same as my family tends to. Nobody cried after the first 15 minutes of hearing the news; nobody cried in my presence at all. Nobody dissolved into inarticulate sadness, nobody wailed or seemed particularly in shock. I don't think anyone slept very well at night and there was a fair amount of napping going on, but that's hardly surprising either.

The only thing even remotely out of a normal visit was that the old guy's chair was empty, and he wasn't there to interject with some bit of town knowledge every hour and a half or so.  And the only odd behavior occurred when we'd been there about 45 minutes and NYAB's mom practically sprang off the couch, ripped all the extra foam padding and quilts off of this chair and said, "No point in leaving all this mess here..." and took it out to the garage, leaving just the regular upholstered chair -- which I don't believe I'd ever seen before.  And then nobody sat in it for at least a day, off limits, until the YP carelessly and heedlessly flung himself into it at some point to play with his video game, and after that it blended in as part of the living room and whoever needed a seat took it.

And then the visiting started.  And the food poured in. I tell you what, Midwesterners know how to do mourning up right. I saw food I haven't seen made since my great-grandma was alive and cooking for family gatherings. Casseroles. Spaghetti. Lasagna. Soup. Cakes and pies and cookies and dear lord. I was full when I'd wake up in the mornings, and more stuff just kept showing up. I don't think NYAB's mom will have to go food shopping for at least three weeks.

I don't think the YP knew quite what to make of it. He understands death, as he's seen a number of pets go, and he apparently understands funerals from having seen TV shows or movies or something. But he was completely unfazed by everything and spent most of his time either playing with his Nintendo or with his 9-year-old cousin, or both.  That, or pestering us for food and then turning his nose up at the 80 metric tons of stuff there was to choose from, opting instead for peanut butter on a spoon. La.

There was no funreral, only a visitation. That was held Tuesday. My job there was mostly to run interference when these old graybeards would hobble over to NYAB and his brothers and be all, "Ohhh! It's the Meanie Brothers! I haven't seen you in 25 years!"  -- and of course none of the brothers had ANY idea who these people were, so I'd slide in and say, "Hi! I'm Mrs. Blogger. And you are??"  The funniest was this one woman who -- I thought -- was enjoying their discomfort a little too much as she took each of their hands and addressed them by name and CLEARLY could tell they didn't know who she was, and she looked downright miffed when I called her out and asked her name -- I think she resented me spoiling her fun.  Heh.  I was also a little taken aback at how many people showed up in blue jeans, though I know that is snobbish of me. As NYAB pointed out, at least they were clean blue jeans.

After visitation was a church dinner, with fried chicken, another six different sides and nine salads and and eight kinds of pie. La.

So there was food, and visiting, and Jack Daniels and euchre games and obnoxious children. Really, with one notable and looming absence (and one notable addition in that we haven't seen NYAB's younger brother in about 5 years, and I must say it was DELIGHTFUL to see him again,) in a lot of ways it just felt like an extended normal visit.

Wednesday and Thursday were just sort of spent dealing with stuff and making noise and giving NYAB's mom some kind of distraction for a while.  NYAB's younger brother headed home Wednesday afternoon, and then Friday morning we drove NYAB's older brother to the airport on our way home.

And then I got sick and lost my voice and slept a long time and my car flunked its safety inspection today to the tune of probably a thousand dollars and now I'm doing laundry. Tha End.

Comments

[Scott]

Wow, it sounds like mid-west funerals are fattening!

My condolences to your family for their loss!

[modernfairie]

I'm sorry for your families loss.